Gospel

It's Simply....

2009-09-21T11:53:00.001+07:00

Because with you, I feel like I’m the most beautiful girl alive.
Because with you, all my bad days end up being fine and bearable.
Because with you, the rain smells nicer.
Because with you, I can talk about nothing and everything and not feel silly.
Because with you, the streetlights look more beautiful than ever before.
Because with you, we can stay silent yet still enjoy each others’ company.
Because with you, I feel taken care of 24/7.
Because with you, I can think out loud and not worry about being judged.
Because with you, London is just a whisper away.
And because with you, hopefully, my heart is finally at home.

It’s simply because with you, everything is just all right.

FOOD NOT BOMBS

2009-08-10T16:59:00.002+07:00

We Act...
Because FOOD is a RIGHT not a privilege
Because there is enough food for everyone to eat
Because scarcity is a lie
Because a woman should not have to use her
body to get a meal, or to have a place to sleep
Because when we are hungry or homeless,
we have the right to get what we need by
panning, busking or squatting
Because poverty is a form of violence
not necessary or natural
Because capitalism makes food a source of profit
not a source of nutrition

Because Food Grows on Trees.

Because we need community not control
Because we need homes not jails
Because we need
FOOD NOT BOMBS

ACT

My Postcard of Memories

2009-02-17T15:59:00.006+07:00

I’m back from nerve-racking meeting and am now sitting in my office desk, overlooking the swimming pool below while trying to tidy up my Facebook page. I’ve been meaning to upload pictures from last year’s hols but just haven’t found the right mood until this morning. And lately, I also haven’t been using my camera much and think that’s just an excuse to get that DSLR that I’ve been eyeing on. Curb your expenses, D! That’s what I’ve been telling myself lately. We’ll see how long I can behave this time.

It’s that time of the year again, where scenes, events and smells from the past months come flashing back in slow-motion while I try to figure out what I’ve done with my life last year. Not much, but enough to make me grin, cringe, wince, smile, shiver and laugh when I remember those events that make up my life last year. I didn’t travel anywhere far except a short trip to Bali. My dad was hospitalized several times, one almost costing him his life had my sister not brought him to the hospital in time. I got my heart broken again but had someone hold my hand during a movie while my jaw dropped to the floor in the dark.

So, it hasn’t been a bad year at all. It’s been colorful and interesting with all its quirks here and there. And to quote one of my favorite sayings, they say that no matter how thin you slice it, there’s always two sides of everything. You just have to choose which side you want to stick to. I choose the happy side. Always.

Finding my Political View

2009-02-04T17:08:00.003+07:00

I took a quiz to find out where I fall on social liberties, economics, foreign policy, even the culture war, here are the results.

My Political Views
I am a left moderate social libertarian
Left: 3.26, Libertarian: 2.02

Political Spectrum Quiz

My Foreign Policy Views
Score: -4.2

Political Spectrum Quiz

My Culture War Stance
Score: -3.59

Political Spectrum Quiz

The Cover-Up

2008-08-27T17:03:00.002+07:00

From an interview with Charlize Theron:

“Stuart made me softer,” Theron coos. “He was one of the few guys who wasn’t afraid of me. What he saw was not toughness but vulnerability. I am massively vulnerable, and for so long I just worked hard to cover that up. Stuart wasn’t scared to confront that. He is the one man who never worries about kicking me up the backside.”

I’m yet to find my Stuart.

La Dolce Vita, a life we wish to have

2008-06-06T16:55:00.006+07:00

Today i feel like i get to get my batteries re-charged. This past week, I had been through so much things because of my relationship’s issue right from the start. Of course I felt sad but i mostly felt glad that it was over and i could begin to move on. Life goes on and we are only here for a blip, and that blip is an amazing ride. I’m doing alright in spite of the adversities. I’m finding comfort.

After having a think about my last relationship I decided I should be grateful. Ok at the time when that happened all I could see was the crap. I should be happy that i met my Dad the other week. He has been shivering in pain again, this always gets him really down. He doesn't tell anyone it is happening, it has happened in the past and he recovered. But eventhough we all know that the cancer is taking over his health again, he gets even stronger mentally.

If we never had some really awful stuff happen, how would we ever learn, grow, savor, appreciate, and KNOW something with a certainty? I'm blessed to go through the tough things, too.

I know that i am never alone in this journey through life. never. It feels sweet to me to know this … and to also know that anytime i need to reach out and talk to someone, i know i have certain people always in my life who will listen to me and welcome me in anytime.

Love and Other Disasters

2008-04-16T17:57:00.009+07:00

Quote:

[Therapist] I think you are stuck in the pre-relationship moment of infatuation, and you need to be reminded that a real relationship has many, many, many more stages.

[Peter] Stages. I like that.

[Therapist] Relationships are best measured by farting.

[Peter] Excuse me?

[Therapist] The stages of the relationships can be defined by farting.

Stage 1 is the conspiracy of silence.
This is a fantasy period where both parties pretend that they have no bodily waste. This illusion is very quickly shattered by that first shy, "Ooh, did you fart?" followed by the sheepish admission of truth.

This heralds a period of deeper intimacy; a period I'd like to call the "fart honeymoon" where both parties find each other's gas just the cutest thing in the world. Ha ha ha!

But of course, no honeymoon can last forever. And so we reach the critical fork in the fart. Either the fart loses its power to amuse and embarrass, thereby signifying true love or else it begins to annoy and disgust, thereby symbolizing all that is blocked and rancid in the formerly beloved.

Do you see what I'm getting at?

[Peter] *speechless*

[Therapist] Peter? Peter? Earth to Peter!

* Moral of the quote: Relationships sound icky and smell poo.

I think Love and Other Disasters is an okay-ish film to watch. With its feel-good storyline and enough amount of cheesiness, it surely works for me as a companion after dinner, when I just wanted to curl up with a hot cup of coffee in one cold evening.
I'd give it 6 out of 10.

I'm home again!

2008-04-11T12:30:00.008+07:00

I’ve lost the mood to write. Ironic, considering the fact that I have plenty of spare time for the last 2 months. But yes, I just haven’t had the appetite since I moved to J town. Don’t ask me why because I don’t know. All I can say is that I'm a year wiser now. A year happier, a year stronger. And today, I decided to start writing again, to share all my blurted thoughts, to let everyone know that I'm glad I'm still able to find happiness in simple silly little things.

It’s Friday already. I’m much more relaxed today and am looking forward to seeing that one person I hold dear in my heart. Happy weekend, everyone, You shall see me again next week!

Just a Little

2007-11-28T13:02:00.002+07:00

This just might hurt a little
Love hurts sometimes when you do it right
Don’t be afraid of a little bit of pain
Pleasure is on the other side…

You Who Never Arrived

2007-09-10T14:01:00.002+07:00

You who never arrived
in my arms, Beloved, who were lost
from the start,
I don’t even know what songs would please you.
I have given up trying
to recognize you in the surging wave of the next moment.
All the immense images in me- the far-off,
deeply-felt landscape, cities, towers, and bridges,
and unsuspected turns in the path,
and those powerful lands that were once
pulsing with the life of the gods-
all rise within me to mean you,
who forever elude me.

You, Beloved, who are all
the gardens I have ever gazed at, longing.
An open window in a country house-,
and you almost stepped out, pensive, to meet me.
Streets that I chanced upon,
you had just walked down them and vanished.
And sometimes, in a shop, the mirrors
were still dizzy with your presence and, startled,
gave back my too-sudden image.
Who knows? Perhaps the same bird echoed through both of us
yesterday, separate, in the evening…

–Rainer Maria Rilke

So here I am again

2007-08-20T15:23:00.002+07:00

In the land where there were tears rained down of conflicts, of disasters, of lost, of broken hopes. There’s so much sadness going on around me. Some of the dearest people I know are going through some very tough times right now and it breaks my heart to see them experience these hardships. It is never easy to lose a job, to end a relationship, to be in a complete alienation, to be discarded from your own family, to be tangled up in financial debt and these are just some of the miseries that’s been shown in my face lately.

Funny how unconsciously people stripped off their fake elegance and grace on how dealing with dramas in life. At the end of the day, it is your coping mechanism that shows who you really are. Whether you deal with it gracefully and elegantly, or you just act like a crying tantrum baby who didn't get what they want and start throwing things toward something that you can't get.

Empirically proven how some people just can't cope with the pressure that they've managed to stripped off their skin and showed who they really are. How sad. I honestly thought you are smarter and wiser.

Honestly I did.

No Title

2007-08-10T09:47:00.002+07:00

So much has happened and yet I have had no drive to write things down for the past 30 days or so. There are still lotsa things I need to prepare for my end year hols: visa, plane tickets and confirm all the accommodations. It’s always fun to plan holidays and the control freak in me just won’t rest until I have everything booked and confirmed.

In the meantime, I’ve been having fun toying around with Facebook and I’m happy I’m able to put my photos up there, as well. If only IMDB were up there, too, I can import my movies list, as well. Oh well, I’m going to make some tea and get cracking on reading office emails now. Oh joy.

A Daredevil, Not.

2007-07-20T17:07:00.004+07:00

I once was a daredevil
Was not afraid of almost anything
But of losing what I had, of what I earned

I am now far from a daredevil
Even for trying a speedy gokart kinda freaked me out
But not afraid of losing almost anything, except my dad, and my loved ones
That includes the love from my friends,
that includes the trust from my office,
that includes the trust from those I am trying to help,
that includes the shoulder to cry on
They basically are everything, to me.

I am now far from a daredevil
But I think I am going on the ride and set up the fire
Because I don't think I have to be afraid, this time
Or anytime for that matters
Because the way to find out, is only one
And because I know how it feels to lose everything already
And because, what more to lose now?

Communication traffic today:

2007-07-11T17:14:00.002+07:00

Traffic one: He said I am too much to handle, while I think I've become less and less demanding.

Traffic two: I feel so shitty today I can't think of anything else than crying.

Traffic three: It's some old yet unsolved problems, attitudes, and way of communication. So last night, with all the accumulated problems, I got mad and he got mad. His words were very rude, so I left him alone. He said he's going away, for me.

Traffic four: I am afraid of being alone. He's always been there for me.

Why it seems that the wind blows exactly the same breeze everywhere these days?
Why are there sadness, loneliness, break ups everywhere?

Not to mention my own.

Crack My Code

2007-06-26T09:07:00.000+07:00

When I’m 75, I’d like to look back at the decisions I make today and still feel good about them. Writing soothes me. Health insurance sucks and is slower than a pregnant turtle. No matter how bitter and angry I am, it doesn’t give me the right to be mean. Always put your happiness first, everything else will follow suit. Viggo Mortensen is so deliciously sexy. The only way to avoid regrets is to be honest with yourself. Work has no feelings. You will never know what your limit is. Never say never. Only fall for a man who is passionate about at least one thing in his life. Time doesn’t heal, it just helps you to let go. If you’re the only star in his sky, then he’s the one. Love is a decision. May my steps have a firmness of a lion, the elegance of a tiger and the dignity of an emperor. Trust what your heart says, it’ll never lie. I’m lonely, so what? Don’t put on sunscreen just because everybody else does. It is okay to cry. Knowing and doing the right thing are two different things. If blogs could bleed, mine would be red all over. Rain is nature’s most beautiful secret. Becoming numb can sometimes offer solace. Everything always comes to a full circle.

Never Take Friendship Personal

2007-06-22T13:01:00.000+07:00

Somebody pissed me off big time today.

Time For Departure

2007-06-13T18:29:00.002+07:00

If something happens you cannot control, then life isn't going to wait for you to catch up, you just have to keep on moving with life. If it's a boyfriend/girlfriend problem, then think, I'm worth way more than all this. I'm going to make it and life goes on.

and just like i said before, There is a time for departure even when there's no certain place to go.

When It Hurts, It Just Hurts

2007-06-06T12:52:00.000+07:00

Nothing can prepare you for pain, regardless of how many times it has hit you before. Just because you’ve walked down the road of broken dreams before, it doesn’t mean that you won’t cry and break when that road is shoved again right before your very eyes. When it hurts, it just hurts. And sometimes when the pain is so unbearably bad, all you can do is leave it up to God to ease that pain away. And no matter how much comfort you get from those around you, only you know what’s going on inside. In this instance, maybe it’s best to let time take over and do its job of helping you to let go.

Dedicated to someone dear who lost a baby today....for the third time. Hold on, dear. I won’t say that everything’s going to be all right, because it won’t be for a while. And I won’t tell you to be strong because eventhough you’re smiling to the world, I know deep down inside you’re not. Just kneel down on your sajadah and cry. That’s the only thing you can do for now.

I’m Flying By

2007-05-21T17:20:00.000+07:00

There is nothing more serene than the feeling of being able to let something go. And if there is one thing that is true in life, it is the fact that we always have a choice, no matter how difficult the circumstances might be. On this day, I choose to be all right. Happy Monday, everyone.

Yikes!

2007-05-14T20:37:00.000+07:00

I am Smitten...

Age of Man -- Part 1

2007-04-23T17:11:00.000+07:00

I like spring, but it is too young. I like summer, but it is too proud. So I like best of all autumn, because its tone is mellower, its colors are richer, and it is tinged with a little sorrow. Its golden richness speaks not of the innocence of spring, nor the power of summer, but of the mellowness and kindly wisdom of approaching age. It knows the limitations of life and its content.
–Lin Yutang

For Your Eyes Only

2007-04-19T17:59:00.000+07:00

Blogs are full of secrets. Never ever take the simplest (or shortest) entry for granted, for between the lines, you can be rest assured that the blog owner is trying to say something in his/her own way, using a language that we, as readers, might not even be able to comprehend, eventhough we think we do. Maybe they just don’t want us to know what they’re really trying to say. Maybe they need to get something off their chest without revealing too much to the world. That’s what blogs are for, right? To serve its purpose as a hideaway for some of our most hidden thoughts and feelings. After all, Elbert Hubbard once said that secrets are things we give to others to keep for us. I must say I agree with him.

It’s Not All Smiles & Laughs

2007-04-11T13:28:00.000+07:00

It’s been a shitty week for me. Everything is just so wrong. Work sucks, my migraine’s back and this nauseous syndrom won’t go away. I’m in such a foul mood.

I’m trying to sort out the mess that’s just landed on my plate and I just don’t have the appetite to deal with it. When so many things happen at the same time, you begin to wonder why the hell is it that when it rains, it pours! It’s during these times that I really crave for a holiday so I can just leave everything behind. Escapism is not really a trait I’d like to be associated with, but when it comes to hols, I can pretty much say f**k off to everything else.

It’s scary how time flies so quickly. I almost feel like my life is melting away with the hands of time at a too-fast pace that I have no power to control.

Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock

2007-03-27T23:29:00.000+07:00

Time is to clock as mind is to brain. The clock or watch somehow contains the time. And yet time refuses to be bottled up like a genie stuffed in a lamp. Whether it flows as sand or turns on wheels within wheels, time escapes irretrievably, while we watch. Even when the bulbs of the hourglass shatter, when darkness withholds the shadow from the sundial, when the mainspring winds down so far that the clock hands hold still as death, time itself keeps on. The most we can hope a watch to do is mark that progress. And since time sets its own tempo, like a heartbeat or an ebb tide, timepieces don’t really keep time. They just keep up with it, if they’re able.

–Longitude by Dava Sobel

Neither Here Nor There

2007-03-20T18:17:00.000+07:00

All of a sudden today, I find myself surrounded by rude people who seem to think the universe revolves around them. Well, get this: it doesn’t! The fact that they’re clueless about what they’re doing is annoying enough, so getting this rude attitude from them is simply something I can’t even begin to comprehend.

It’s raining right now and I think I’m missing someone. I wonder if the feeling is mutual.

Light Gazing

2007-03-14T14:37:00.000+07:00

I miss blogging. I miss spilling out my utmost honest feelings about random mundane things that I come across every day. I miss writing stuff just for the sake of writing it, without caring who’ll read it or might get offended by it. I miss my anonymity. Yes, I’m still anonymous to some extent, but there are people who come here and know me in real life and I feel obliged to consider their feelings when I want to blurt something that might affect them. Anyway, let’s move on to other stuff.

Right now I’m sitting in my study, gazing out the window, feeling the wind in my newly-washed hair, the smell of tangerine flying from the strands of hair on my head. I’m listening to songs coming out from my iTunes, not knowing what to do this evening. I’m in no mood for reading, can’t be bothered to watch another movie and certainly don’t feel like going out. I rarely feel this way, so maybe it’s just best to feel the feeling and not do anything about it. Who knows, it might be more delicious than I think it is. The lights outside look pretty and I’m listening to Sting’s rendition of the song below. It sounds…magical.

There’s a somebody I’m longing to see
I hope that she turns out to be
Someone to watch over me

My Bits and Bops

2007-02-18T09:38:00.000+07:00

Things are hectic. Everything has just been a complete whirlwind of madness. I’ve been running around trying to get everything done, both at home and at work. I haven’t moved from page 17 on my current read and it’s been a while since my last post here.

Because of all those weekday madness, I’ve been trying real hard to make sure my weekends are now plan-free. But alas, my boss called me this morning and said i have to replace him to attend the meeting in the office with this guy. So now here i am again, switching on to the cyberworld, looking at what’s popped up on my monitor instead of taking rest for my burning head.

Last week I managed to relax over the weekend and did a quick DVD marathon. Departed and Love Me if You Dare finally came off my wait-list and I saw Amelie and Y tu mama tambien again for the umpteenth time. Oh, and I finally got the ticket to Muse concert. Actually, someone got it for me as a gift. Thanks tons, dearie :-)

Anyways, I’m sitting here in my working desk and I can see the dark sky outside with all the glittering lights from faraway buildings. Someone’s having a party downstairs and I can hear loud music creeping into my room from the opened windows. The instrumental version of Somewhere Over The Rainbow is playing in the background and all of a sudden I feel so alone.

(S)weeping Away

2007-02-10T02:33:00.000+07:00

I’ve been following the news on how bad the flood is in Jakarta and have texted a few of my good friends to see how they’re doing. Some are fine but a lot have lost valuable belongings like cars, motorbikes as well as essential househould appliances like washing machines, fridges and god knows what else. It saddens me to think about them right now as I know how bad these floods can be having once experiencing it first hand myself some years ago.

My parent and sibling are okay but one of my aunt’s house is slowly drowning and the last I heard was that the water had reached waist level. The sky’s already dark and I’m hoping things are beginning to get better. The image of people huddling on their rooftops is unpleasant, if not sad. I’m receiving regular updates from my friends and a lot of their messages sound really sad. But what makes me really down is that one good friend emailed me yesterday and said he couldn't be here as planned in view of the flood and Chinese New Year...Sigh...

Anyway, I hope you’re all hanging in there. Of course my prayers are with you.

Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head

2007-02-06T06:23:00.000+07:00

It’s been pissing all day here and the weather’s just been so miserable outside. I came in to work late today. I stayed awake till 4 in the morning, chatted with an old friend last night and we laughed our arses off till the clock struck passed the midnight when the call ended. He’s one of my briliant mate and it was so nice to see him doing well, despite his crazy antiques and behavior. I guess if you’re in the creative field, people sort of understand if you’re rather weird.

Hmm...There are so many things I want to write about, I kinda miss pouring my heart out here. But i figured, some things are better left unsaid and unshared. It’s difficult to contain so many thoughts deep down inside, yet you’re left with no choice but to bottle them up. Nonetheless, I do believe that everything happens for a reason. I’ve never doubted that, even for a split second. I’m not making any sense, am I? Don’t worry about it. After all, it is only a blurted thought.

The air is really cool outside, I’ll sleep with the windows open tonight. And I think I need to go somewhere, all by myself.

Jupiter and his toy

2007-01-27T00:47:00.000+07:00

It’s raining here and I can’t help but write an entry about it, despite the amount of work I’m trying to get done right now :-) I’ve been sick but along comes the rainy season and I find myself feeling better.

It’s Friday morning again. Tomorrow’s weekend again. How time flies. In six days’ time, I will hit the twentyfour-year mark of my life here. A lot has happened but some things have remained the same. I still miss my old friends every day. I still can’t get enough of meeting new people and crave to see more of the world each day. I still buy books and dvds like crazy and still have the habit of wondering why things happen the way they do.

So, it’s raining here and I’m overlooking the park outside through the big glass window. It’s remarkably soothing to see those drops of water fall from above and I can hear Jupiter’s having quite a good time with his little whip up there. I’m gonna go make myself some hot tea. I’m feeling good. Can you tell?

Put Me to Sleep

2007-01-24T17:40:00.000+07:00

It’s late and my insomnia is back. Time seems to fly by real quickly these days and I’m grateful for it. At least I can pretend the weekends arrive faster than usual. I am struggling with this flu, though. My body’s just been acting really weird lately and I’m anxious to hear what the doc has to say about my blood test results.

I’m knackered but I can’t sleep. Michael Bublé’s singing his beautiful rendition of Put Your Head On My Shoulder on my mp3 player.
Oh, how I wish.

Appreciation Day

2007-01-22T15:43:00.000+07:00

This morning i discovered one new excitement in life: I woke up as a new person. Something has changed my life in its mysterious way, it came out of the blue in a way that i would never have imagined before. Something that has touched me deep inside, a simple silent symphony that i almost cried...trembled by the greatness of the chord itself.

As i wrote this in my old diary, the pages of my past was lingering in my head. It is amazing tho, how life has turned me upside down and yet i'm still here, not allowing myself for giving up, still surviving from every second. A question to ponder, if life is a long searching, in which point will i arrive?

But then i see the future's waiting for me to embrace, i have no choice but to step forward, the path i must take has been destined. Knowing on how strong and yet how weak i could be just made me realize the beauty of all misery, and i am relieved that i can still appreciate life even in its most painful part.

We are changing, we are evolving, each cell of our body is regenerating everyday, we are always a new person, with new challenges, new breath, new rhythm...so looking back, cursing and regreting only strains the neck muscles and cause you to bump into people not going your way. Living the past is a weak and lonely business i believe, so f*ck it! I'm one step ahead now.

I'm one step ahead to enjoy my life of being alone, and also to appreciate the people i love, people i respect, people who taught me about how precious life is, people who shared me love and care and strength, people who showed me the sweet of sorrow, people who opened my eyes that one of the most important thing to find happiness in life is the conviction of being loved for yourself, or more correctly, being loved inspite of yourself. A Self Respect.

Thank you, dearest friends, for bringing the lights for me and for trusting me that i have the quality to be the change i wish to see in this world.
Thank you, you know who you are....

tentang jati diri

2007-01-03T01:56:00.000+07:00

Thomas Friedman once said that the world is like golden straitjacket which connected one and another. Dunia menjadi borderless. Batas-batas geografis dan regional menjadi tidak relevan. Akibatnya, aliran informasi, modal, kepentingan, menjadi sangat mudah dilakukan dengan cepat, tepat, dan efektif.

Sikap konsumtif, hedonisme, pola hidup serba instan, anti aktualisasi diri, dan sebagainya dituding sebagai dampak buruk akibat badai globalisasi maupun kapitalisasi yang merusak mental dan jati diri bangsa. Friedman menggambarkan Lexus untuk mewakili negara yang sukses menyiasatinya dan Olive Tree sebagai negara-negara gagal seperti kita. Memang lebih mudah menempatkan orang (bangsa) lain di balik kegagalan tersebut. Sebutlah tekanan kepentingan negara adidaya terhadap negara berkembang seperti kita. Inisiatif buruk korporasi-korporasi asing yang memiliki kekuatan modal penuh. Kekuatan-kekuatan terselubung yang tidak ingin Islam di negeri ini berkembang. Dan seribu satu alasan lainnya.

Saya lebih suka berkaca pada diri kita sendiri.

Saya termasuk orang yang ragu mengenai apa yang disebut sebagai budaya “kearifan timur”. Dalam pikiran saya yang pendek ini, saya merujuk artikel teman saya agar kita kembali kepada semangat sosialisme (sosialisme timur tepatnya).

Sesuatu yang harus ditekankan : falsafah budaya itu satu hal, sedangkan konsep kompetisi adalah hal yang lain.

Setiap tempat di dunia memiliki falsafah yang relatif universal. Mungkin, hanya konteks waktu saja yang berbeda-beda. Dulu barat mulai dari ke-primitifan yang sama dengan kita, lalu beranjak pada struktur yang lebih feodal, lalu kepada sosialisme, hingga sekarang bersandar pada sistem kompetitif-individualis namun tetap menghargai hal-hal sosial.

Sedangkan kita? Kita malah lebih senang berkelakar mengenai sosialisme dan hanya budaya gotong royong. Bukan budaya efisiensi. Padahal, faktanya apa yang terjadi di Indonesia, adalah masih tertanam di jiwa kita yaitu semangat sosialisme-feodal. Sebuah bentuk kerakyatan yang hanya menguntungkan elit-elit saja.

Tidak ada efisiensi. Tidak ada efektifitas. Dua hal syarat mutlak bagi kemajuan.

Melihat kosongnya harapan, kita mulai putus asa. Menjadi xenophobi. Tak hanya kita merasa inferior (seperti kata teman saya), juga malah kita menjadi merasa superior-kandang (tentang hal-hal yang berkaitan dengan falsafah-budaya yang jelas jelas sifatnya amat relatif).

Jadi, menurut saya: kelemahan mental bangsa ini adalah karena kita tidak punya keberanian untuk mengakui bahwa bangsa di seberang lautan sana memang lebih baik. Kita takut persaingan, itulah mengapa kita tidak pernah efisien.

Menyinggung masalah inferioritas, coba lihat artis film mandarin dari Gong Li sampai Zang Zi Yi...atau yang lebih dulu seperti Lin Cing Shia...bandingkan dengan Tamara Blezinsky, Julie Estelle, Darius, dan nama nama bule tanggung lainnya...yang paling parah sih Nadine Candrawinata...saya gak suka film Mandarin tapi saya iri dengan film - film mereka yang benar-benar ‘mandarin’, prestasinya pun bagus. Orang Afro Amerika pun telah berhasil menjadi ras yang banyak berprestasi di Amerika, bahkan mereka ikut mengendalikan trend hidup dan membuktikan keunggulan mereka.

Sudah saatnya kita berhenti menjadi bangsa yang mengaku2 memiliki jati diri. Menuding pengaruh barat yang merusak bangsa ini bagaikan berharap Britney Spears pake kebaya...dan jangan pernah berpikir Britney melakukan segalanya untuk memberi pengaruh buruk pada anak muda di Indonesia, dia bahkan tidak pernah peduli pada hal itu. So...mana jati diri kita??

2007 is here

2007-01-02T13:08:00.000+07:00

Rise `n Shine, It's New Year! A new day, a new beginning. Time to throw out all the ol` worries and let the festivities in. It is the beginning of a whole new life. Everything has a touch of newness to it. Gear up for another year, which will have mindblowing surprises and sweet li'll moments tucked into its countless nooks `n corners. Last year me and my friends kinda went into an overdrive with the party stuff and the result was that I made a new record of sleeping through 24 straight hours on the first day of the New Year! Not a very promising way to start the New Year, you'd say, but then, that's me for ya! Well, you gotta admit, no party is half as much fun as New Year. 2007's right here waitin` for you so, I Wish everyone a 365 day round trip to laughter and joy. Grab it and let go of the past. This is your year – make it rock!

Morning Moan

2006-11-30T23:59:00.000+07:00

Hi guys, it's been a long time. I feel privledged to have moved to the next step...the singles and dating section! Take you time to heal, and there's less of a mark.

Quick recap. I left my bf about a year ago. It's taken a long time to recover, but I feel normal again. (mind you my definition of normal is very lax).

So...I like this guy. And I know he likes me back. We have only become really good friends recently. I haven't liked anyone like this since my break-up. It gives me butterflies and I am worried sh!tless bcoz i know i will always be the next best thing. It's kinda nice to fall head over heels with someone again, tho...

So, how does this whole.. I like you.. you like me... lets date...lets kiss....lets (well you know). I am so lost and slightly confused. I don't know what's out there...I've broke into pieces and glued myself back to normal so many times. I believe it is in women’s nature to be insecure about things and to overthink or worry about certain things we know we shouldn’t even waste our energy on.
Oh well I guess i just have to go slow and with the flow.

but it still hurts every now and then; when I’m feeling down, and having nobody to turn to...

current fav song

2006-11-27T14:41:00.000+07:00

I love Fergie's new single : Fergalicious. Her lyric is simply cheeky! Singing it makes me feel sexy, Plus, when imagining myself dancing around just like Fergie in her video clip makes me feel super duper sexy! Hihihi.. My fav part in that song is :

"Fergalicious definition make them boys go loco.. They want my treasure so they get their pleasures from my photo.. You could see me, you can't squeeze me.. I ain't easy, I ain't sleazy.. I got reasons why I tease 'em.. Boys just come and go like seasons.."

"Baby, baby, baby.. If you really want me.. Honey get some patience.. Maybe then you'll get a taste.. I'll be tasty, tasty, I'll be laced with lacey.. It's so tasty, tasty, It'll make you crazy.."

*wink* To the lucky guy whoever you are, wherever you are... be prepare to go crazy! Hahaha!

Naik-Naik ke Puncak Gunung

2006-11-07T15:25:00.001+07:00

"Renting a Villa is the difference between staying somewhere - and living somewhere."

I went to Puncak last weekend, it was super!! We rented 2 villas at beautiful villa Rosa in mountain village Cibodas, on a steep curving road away from the crowds below. The villas were perfect and well equipped with spacious rooms and lovely outdoor seating area. Peace reigned throughout our stay and we sat over the night outside enjoying 2 sexy girls sang along with the organ tunggal while eating kambing guling. I really enjoyed the Karaoke until late at night, i actually sang one of my fav songs by Andy Williams. We drove to Puncak Pass to get some roast corn afterwards, and ended up in Musro disco. We got back at 5 AM, should be ready for hiking but were too tired so the hiking was unfortunately cancelled. We had fun games after the breakfast, i was in the group who won the "passing-the-leaking-glass" game. I also won the futsal -Indonesian for football match, i scored 2 goals!!

The scenery is breathtaking... It is suitable for many long walks, hiking, cycling, or bird watching.The wild flowers are plentiful and numerous with many rare examples. All i can say is that the views and peaceful serenity of the Mountain Villas are well worth it.

I cannot really think of anything I did not like.

Marilyn

2006-10-11T14:56:00.000+07:00

It's not in my nature to be mysterious...

but I can't talk about it,
and I can't talk about why...

songs of the week

2006-09-20T15:34:00.001+07:00

1. The Blackest Eyes by Porcupine Tree
2. Pain Lies on the Riverside by Live
3. Long Time Suffering by Spock's Beard
4. We All Need Some Light by Transatlantic
5. Deadwing by Porcupine Tree

here i put a song lyric by Porcupine Tree....

Deadwing

And something warm and soft just passed
through here It took the precious things that I
hold dearer It rifled through the grey and
disappeared The creeping darkness makes the
small hours clearer

Like a cancer scare In the dentist's chair
Sucking in the air Wire across the stair
Kicking down the door At your local store
With the world at war Voices through the
floor Unexpected news Wearing high heeled shoes
Blowing out the fuse Paying all your
dues Deadwing lullaby Like a fracture tied
It's a worthless lie To the public eye

I don't take waifs and strays back home with me
My bleeding heart does not extend to charity

Yes I'd have to say I like my privacy
And did you know you're on closed circuit TV?
So smile at me

And a dream you had Of your mum and dad
On a beach somewhere And the poison air
With the cancer threat In a cigarette
Deadwing lullaby Find a place to hide

And from the yellow windows of the last train
A spectre from the next life breathes his fog on the pane
I look with you into the speeding black rain
Afraid to touch someone, afraid to ask her for her name

And in the morning when I find I have lost you
I throw a window open wide and step through

Todays bandung Art 2006

2006-09-14T10:35:00.000+07:00

Exhibition from 10 to 30 September 2006
Place: Common Room/TOBUCIL, Jl. Kyai Gede Utama No. 8, Bandung
Time: 10 AM to 4 PM

Pameran Seni Bandung Masa Kini 2006 menampilkan beberapa karya para seniman dan ilmuwan Bandung dalam kurun waktu 10 tahun terakhir, selain juga menampilkan karya-karya dari para seniman manca negara. Selain memamerkan seri karya boneka Barbie milik Tiarma Sirait, pameran ini juga menampilkan beberapa karya gambar, seni lukis, benda-benda, fotografi, video, cetak digital dan robot cerdas yang secara sepintas akan menampilkan kecenderungan perkembangan praktik seni terkini di kota Bandung, maupun beberapa tempat di belahan dunia yang lain. Selain itu, pameran ini juga menampilkan karya robot dari Kelompok Studi Robot Cerdas -UNIKOM, juga karya origami dan kerajinan yang merupakan buah tangan dari aktifitas Klab Origami dan Klab Hobi di Common Room.

Karya-karya yang ditampilkan merupakan karya pilihan yang sedikit banyak merefleksikan aura nostalgia, sekaligus mimpi absurd mengenai masa depan. Beberapa dari karya yang ada juga mencerminkan berbagai pandangan mengenai persoalan ruang urban yang tersaturisasi oleh pengaruh globalisasi di bidang politik dan ekonomi, selain juga terpengaruh oleh perkembangan di bidang teknologi dan budaya media. Beberapa seniman Indonesia yang terlibat dalam pameran ini merupakan figur-figur yang selama ini juga dikenal aktif berkarya dan berpameran di luar negeri. Malahan, beberapa diantaranya telah mengganti status kewarganegaraan mereka karena selama ini merasa terancam secara ekonomi dan politik, selain beberapa diantaranya juga tengah dikejar oleh kasus hutang-piutang yang gawat di Indonesia maupun di beberapa negara.

Beberapa seniman eksil yang karyanya ditampilkan di dalam pameran ini antara lain adalah: Tiarma Sirait (Amerika Serikat), R.E. Hartanto (Afrika Selatan), Dewi Aditia (Canada), OQ (Republik Mali), Gustaff H. Iskandar (Zambia), Roumy Handayani Pesona (Tajikistan) , Andar Manik (Korea Utara) dan Sir Dandy Original (Pantai Gading). Sementara itu, karya seni video yang ditampilkan dalam pameran ini merupakan karya para seniman yang berasal dari New Zealand, Austria, Denmark, Malaysia, India dan Indonesia. Karya mereka akan diputar secara bergiliran selama pameran berlangsung. Adapun beberapa seniman video yang karyanya ikut ditampilkan adalah: VideoBabes (Indonesia), Cerahati (Indonesia), Muhammad Akbar (Indonesia), Nanna Debois Buhl (Denmark), Tamar Guimares (Denmark), Klaus Ohad Said Auderer (Austria), Nilanjan Bhattacharya (India), Daniel Malone, Sriwhana Spong, Kah Bee Chow, Catherine Garet, Janet Lilo, Stella Brennan, Kirsty Cameron, Nova Paul (New Zealand), Prilla Tania (Indonesia) dan ruangrupa (Indonesia). Selain itu, juga akan diputar kompilasi video `Recurring Spaces' (dari Displacement Project Bandung- Singapore 2006), yang menampilkan karya dari Banung Grahita; (IKAL) Chairine Stevanny, Fitriani K.D., Annisa S., Fini Kania; Erik M. Pauhrizi; Gembi & Ageng (Pemuda Elektrik); Muhammad Reggie Aquara; OQ Adiredja; Rizaldi Fakhruddin; Tisa Granicia & Budi Adi Nugroho; dan Yusuf Ismail. (gustaff)

A letter to a young Poet

2006-09-11T16:53:00.000+07:00

So you mustn’t be frightened, if a sadness rises in front of you, larger than any you have ever seen; if an anxiety, like light and cloud-shadows, moves over your hands and over everything you do. You must realize that something is happening to you, that life has not forgotten you, that it holds you in its hand and will not let you fall. Why do you want to shut out of your life any uneasiness, any misery, any depression, since after all you don’t know what work these conditions are doing inside you? Why do you want to persecute yourself with the question of where all this is coming from and where it is going? Since you know, after all, that you are in the midst of transitions and you wished for nothing so much as to change. If there is anything unhealthy in your reactions, just bear in mind that sickness is the means by which an organism frees itself from what is alien; so one must simply help it to be sick, to have its whole sickness and to break out with it, since that is the way it gets better. In you, so much is happening now; you must be patient like someone who is sick, and confident like someone who is recovering; for perhaps you are both. And more: you are also the doctor, who has to watch over himself. But in every sickness there are many days when the doctor can do nothing but wait. And that is what you, insofar as you are your own doctor, must now do, more than anything else.

--The Special Two--

2006-09-07T14:08:00.000+07:00

I have hardly been outside my room in days,
Coz I don't feel that I deserve the sunshines rays.
The darkness helped until the whiskey wore away,
And it was then I realised the conscience never fades.

When i was young i have this image of my life,
That i'll be scrupulous and one day even make a wife.
And i make boundaries i never dream to cross,
And if i happen to, i wake completely lost.

I remember someone old once said to me,
That lies will lock you up, with truth the only key.
But I was comfortable and warm inside my shell,
And couldn't see this place could soon become my hell.

So is it better to tell and hurt, or lie to save their face?
Well I guess the answer is don't do it in the first place.
I know im not deserving of your trust from you right now,
But if by chance you change your mind,
You know I will not let you down,
Coz we were the special two and will be again...

I'll step ouside my minds eyes, for a minute,
And I look over me like a doctor looking for disease
Or somethin that could ease the pain.
But nothin cures the hurt that you bring on by yourself
Just remembering, just remebering how we were...

Amelie

2006-08-30T12:14:00.000+07:00

Without you, today's emotions would be the scurf of yesterday's

happy long weekend

2006-08-16T17:07:00.000+07:00

I’ve been losing the desire to write. So many things are happening but I just don’t have the desire to write them up to post on this blog. I spoke to my colleagues yesterday and we’re now planning our hols together.

I haven’t managed to find time to post anything about my hols and I’m still struggling to get a lot of things done. I might post something over the weekend but it’s mostly going to be just pictures.

So see you all after long weekend!

Broken date

2006-08-10T09:50:00.000+07:00

If seeing you means leaving you
then i'd rather not.

Power Shut Down

2006-07-20T10:56:00.000+07:00

It’s been raining cats and dogs since I got into the office this morning. The sky outside is still a pale gray and I am in no mood for work. I want to go home and hide under the blanket and sleep the afternoon away. If only.

I’ve been feeling under the weather since Monday morning, didnt sleep the whole night, hangout with a dear friend who was in town, so I'm all old and tired. I was thinking to leave work half day and come home to get rest. Instead of heading home, I worked overhours. I vowed not to go into my office emails but damn, that proved to be wishful thinking. I’ve just finished reading the new ones that came through last night and responded only to urgent requests and queries. Which leads me to the subject I want to write about: switching off.

I have a problem with switching off. On Fridays when I leave the office, I still have tons of work-related issues lingering in my head that usually stay until Saturday afternoon. When I go away for hols last weekend, I had so many disturbances from the office, one thing that I normally didn’t mind at all, but it gets pretty annoying when you were called four times in the morning on a first day of your holiday, and my date was rolling his eyes everytime i picked up the phone.

It’s frustrating not to be able to shut down immediately. Some of my friends say that I’m a workaholic. I, on the other hand, wish I were not. Maybe I should just be a stay-at-home girl. That would be the most divine thing, but again, it will have to remain as wishful thinking for now.

Weekend Blues

2006-07-11T18:04:00.000+07:00

I’m missing my Dad too much. I really need to go home and see him. I felt like i'm in an alienation...

To get my mind off it, I literally drowned myself in work and before I knew it, the day was over. Turned off my computer and just as I was about to head home, someone called and asked if I’d like to go out for drinks. We ended up going to three places and laughed our arses silly over the most trivial and lamest jokes, it was really fun and 'dramatic'. Thanks for cheering me up, you!

Tomorrow's my Dad's bday, think gonna give him lil surprise :-)

nothingness

2006-06-30T13:58:00.000+07:00

"I froze before the keyboard. I couldn't think of a damn thing to say. No poems, no prose, no words. The pain cannot even be alchemized into art, into words, into something you can chalk up to an interesting experience because the pain itself, its intensity, is so great that it has woven itself into your system so deeply that there is no way to objectify it or push it outside or find its beauty within."
-Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation

One Day in jakarta

2006-06-28T13:23:00.000+07:00

one day in jakarta
i took off my face
and wandered among
the wounds and the traffic.

i was reflected
in blank consciences of its people
who had spent years
searching for themselves.

one day in jakarta
the slimy land of the soul
the desolate houses
bereft of conscience.

The melody of the train stations

2006-06-28T11:52:00.000+07:00

I wanted to be alone. forever.
to breathe out boredom
to wait, to watch the leaves fall,
to capture the pale, distant
shadows.

I wanted to be alone and watch you
sleep in my wound
before i hear the clock
tell me it is time to go.

Lost

2006-06-22T14:19:00.001+07:00

If roses are meant to be red
And violets to be blue
Why isn't my heart meant for you

My hands longing to touch you
But I can barely breathe
Starry eyes that make me melt
Right in front of me

Lost in this world
I even get lost in this song
And when the lights go down
That is where I'll be found

This music's irresistible
Your voice makes my skin crawl
Innocent and pure
I guess you heard it all before

Mister Inaccessible
Will this ever change
One thing that remains the same
You're still a picture in a frame

Lost in this world
I even get lost in this song
And when the lights go down
That is where I'll be found

I get lost in this world
I get lost in your eyes
And when the lights go down
That's where I'll be found

I get lost in this world
I get lost in your eyes
And when the lights go down
Am I the only one

the beginning of the end

2006-06-19T11:10:00.000+07:00

This morning the sun is finally shining, that helps to start the day good. Looks like a new day out there, but I'm still hurting a lot, maybe more than before, but the depression has lifted a bit. So I'm hanging in there.

I get so lonely here and the days are so long, not much to look forward to. Until now, I am finally able to get away for a while, I am not so happy about that. After living in such tough circumstances for so long, I get a knot in my stomach and feel afraid. I can't go back now, I just can't.

One thing I've learned in this journey of life is that there are days that all you can do is just put one foot in front of the other and keep going forward. If you do that enough days in a row, somehow things get better. But i miss home already....

you're always ruling in my heart, dad...

Singing a sad tune

2006-06-18T13:19:00.000+07:00

when the sky turns light,
from the fading night,
the birds will sing a rhyme,
but not in time,
to save a life,
suddenly taken with a knife.

When everything goes (not) so well

2006-06-05T16:43:00.000+07:00

It’s only Monday but I’m already exhausted inside out. With my leave for jakarta coming up this weekend, I’m trying to tie up as many loose ends as I possibly can this week.

just the other day, a friend of mine who just found out about my weekly schedule asked me,

—how do you have time for all that?

the truth is, i don't know. i still have to work on my time management, because even though i'm somewhat more organized than the average joe, when it comes to priorities i prefer to use my gut. it's more of a sporadic thought sorting rather than a condusive decision making. you would think that something bad would come out of it.

that's what i thought, too. and right about this moment, everything goes so well. too well, i would say.

and when nothing has gone wrong, you become nervous. you wonder what might be waiting ahead of you.

i had a three-hour long conversation with a really close friend a couple of nights ago, debating about which path we should take when we don't even know our options. at the very end we reassured each other that if it's beyond our control, then we shouldn't worry about it. i told another friend about our conclusion when she remarked,

—and this comes from you! you should've known better before this, nda.

of course she's right. so i'm guilty as charged, because i have been worrying, while i got what i can control under my control. but it's also my fault that the other parts of my life have been pretty much abandoned. i don't know how to take care of myself anymore.

my strained back, for example. my sleeping habit. my consumption habit. oh, my spare time.

gone are the days when i can take such things for granted.

guess i just have to live with it.

Bounded

2006-06-02T16:05:00.000+07:00

"There is no one who loves pain itself, who seeks after it and wants to have it, simply because it is pain..."

So you want me to be your Home?

2006-06-02T15:28:00.000+07:00

yang tergelar selimut tebal lembut warna coklat muda
dengan segelas coklat panas siap digenggam oleh
jemarimu setiap malam?

yang sekalipun tak pernah terdengar ada nada suara
meninggi serta tudingan tajam bahkan saat kamu menjadi
seorang balita penakut atau lelaki plin plan?

yang tak pernah mencemburui apapun yang dilakukan
para perempuan itu untuk merebut perhatianmu atau
semua usaha yang kamu lakukan untuk membuat mereka
jadi pasangan bercintamu sebatas satu malam saja?

yang tak pernah pergi walau kamu sedang pergi jauh
sekalipun, walau sesekali terdengar rentetan pesan
pesan pemberitahuan seperti trayek Bus Way dimana
dan sedang apa kamu disana.

yang tak akan pernah sekalipun membiarkanmu sendirian
kesepian atau jatuh membalut luka tengah malam tanpa
sandaran bahu dan tempat tadah air mata.

yang mengetahui masa lalu, rahasia serta harapan dan impian
kamu tanpa sekalipun pernah membaginya dengan orang lain
karena kamu tak akan mau membagi dirimu dengan
orang lain pula.

But then, why can't I make you my Home too?
(maybe because you have asked me more than that too)

An Echo Of A Whisper

2006-05-29T11:26:00.000+07:00

It’s past midnight and the house is still. I’ve been talking with myself a lot during the past few days about something that I can’t bring myself to mention on this blog. It’s a personal thought and I am now at a crossroad on which path I should choose to take.

I consider myself a very decisive person and don’t normally have difficulty in making up my mind on private and personal issues. I rarely consult other people on this kind of stuff, too, but tonight I’ve reached a point where I think talking to someone might in fact do me some good. The only problem is, I’m not sure if I should talk this over with a friend or the ultimate one.

This time I’ve been made to think long and hard on my own. It’s probably my own fault, though, for I can’t remember the last time I sat down and had a real conversation with myself in clear insight. I ought to kick myself back into that habit, I know. Gosh, I really am confused on what I should do next. Perhaps I should opt to take the road less travelled by all over again. After all, almost all of my previous decisions on personal matters have always been unpopular.

The Road Not Taken – Robert Frost
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth

Then took the other, as just as fair
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I
I took the one less traveled by
And that has made all the difference

May 26, 2006, een gedicht voor u

2006-05-29T10:40:00.000+07:00

The hours of this night
Whispered to me
Your hungry yearning
For my breath to touch your skin
Like frost on a window pane
Gentle caress
Tingling
Teasing...

Jump out of your skin

2006-05-22T11:58:00.000+07:00

Work’s been real intense lately and I need to blow off steam. Normally, I buy books, watch DVDs or simply lazybum at home and write lots of sweet nothings, but lately, without even realising it, I’ve been going out a lot. And I mean a lot. At least, for my standards. Friends who know me well will vouch that I’m more of a homebody and don’t usually hang out much.

I don’t usually go to bars/pubs/nightclubs but over the past three weeks I think I’ve gone to more bars/pubs than my whole adult year of barhopping experience put together. I still drink orange juice and I still curse when I smell my hair smelling of cigarettes, but it’s been fun.

Come to think of it, maybe all we need sometimes is just a little change and diversion from our daily routine. Maybe we just need to do different things from time to time and leap out of our comfort zone to calibrate our chords. But then again, maybe I’m just tired.

I saw Da Vinci Code last night and I was focusing too much on Paul Bettany playing Silas...the albino monk...excellent performance!! But I must say the film was a “tad” disappointing...lackluster... Well I guess the key to watching a movie that's based on a book like this is to not have high expectations, isn't it?

West and East

2006-05-19T12:57:00.000+07:00

The West represents the male mind, aggressive intellect.

The East represents the female mind, receptive intuition. East and
West are not just arbitrary -- the division is very very significant
and profound.

And you should not forget Rudyard Kipling: what he said has
significance, has meaning. He says East and West shall never meet.
There is a fragment of truth in it, because the meeting seems to be
impossible; the ways of their working are so diametrically opposite.

The West is aggressive, scientific, ready to conquer nature. The East
is non-aggressive, receptive -- ready to be conquered by nature. The
West is eager to know. The East is patient. The West takes every
initiative to reach into the mysteries of life and existence; it
tries to unlock the doors. And the East simply waits in profound
trust: "Whenever I am worthy, the truth will be revealed to me."

The West is concentration of the mind: the East is meditation of the
mind. The West is thinking: the East is non-thinking. The West is
mind: the East is no-mind. And Kipling seems to be logically right,
that it seems impossible that East and West could ever meet.

And "the East and the West" does not only represent the earth being
divided in two hemispheres: it represents your mind too, your brain
too. Your brain is also divided in two hemispheres just like the
earth. Your brain has an East in it and a West in it. The left-side
hemisphere of your brain is the West; it is connected with the right
hand. And the right-side hemisphere of your brain is the East; it is
connected with the left hand.

The West is rightist. The East is leftist. And the processes of both
are so different.... The left hemisphere of your mind calculates,
thinks, is logical. All science is produced by it. And the right
hemisphere of your brain is a poet, is a mystic. It intuits, it
feels. It is vague, cloudy, misty. Nothing is clear. Everything is a
kind of chaos, but that chaos has its beauty. There is great poetry
in that chaos, there is great song in that chaos. It is very juicy.

The calculative mind is a desert-like phenomenon. And the non-
calculative mind is a garden. Birds sing there and flowers bloom...
it is a totally different world.

Pythagoras was the first man to try the impossible, and he succeeded!
In him, East and West became one. In him, yin and yang became one. In
him, male and female became one. He was an ardhanarishwar -- a total
unity of the polar opposites. Shiva and Shakti together: intellect of
the highest caliber and intuition of the deepest caliber. Pythagoras
is a peak, a sunlit peak, and a deep, dark valley too. It is a very
rare combination.

But his whole life's effort was destroyed by the stupid people, by
the mediocre masses. These few verses are the only contribution left.
These verses can be written on one postcard. This is all that is left
of that great man's effort, endeavor. And this too is not written by
his own hand; it seems all that he had written was destroyed.

all about Me

2006-05-12T14:27:00.000+07:00

Since I first whacked together a profile for my blog, my life has turned on its head several times and I've discovered I rather enjoy the cartwheeling. Having, then losing, and rebuilding again and again teaches me what I really need in my life and reminds me that the rest can be pleasant but also damned distracting.

Below is the original bio text, which I still really like, and it still works:

Here I am, trying to cram my personality into a tiny text field. I'm never going to fit. I'm always growing and changing, and I'm into mortality. (By that I mean that I am glad that I am aware that I will someday die, that I'm just a creature, that nothing lasts forever. It discourages procrastination and encourages me to enjoy every minute of my life.)

I think that the key to a happy life is the ability to change perspective--it makes it possible to understand others, and keeps me from being traumatized by things that I've experienced in life, thus enabling me to learn from those things.

That's me--mortal, optimistic, fortunate. And crammed into a tiny box.

Love You to Death

2006-05-04T15:59:00.000+07:00

I have arrived somewhere,
spinning in a labyrinth,
it was a long journey,
without map, and the darkness
is perfect. I followed a lane
between a river and a chasm

There was a scream. It sounded like a song.
Perhaps it came from my mouth. There was a moan,
like a lullaby. Perhaps it came from my mouth.

But i have landed in a place
of perfect alienation: Your body is covered with maggots
which i ignore. Until i find complete
sexual satisfaction. then i finish you too,
i stab you in the heart and
tear off your prick in my pain.

Solitude

2006-05-01T16:39:00.000+07:00

Because you have
So often called me
Out of the darkness,

I have grown strange,
Separated from time.

The mist is very dark.
The distance between us
Is vast. The echoes
disappear
in our dreams.

But you have called me
So often
Out of the darkness,
That I tremble
When I reply.

MY DISAPPOINTMENT

2005-05-12T11:15:00.000+07:00

I disappointed my brother.
I disappointed my parents.
I disappointed my relatives.
I disappointed my teachers.
I disappointed my friends.
I disappointed my sanity.
I disappointed my fantasy.
I disappointed my boyfriend.
I disappointed my friendster.
I disappointed my ISP connection.
I disappointed the bitch that wanted to fuck my boyfriend.
I disappointed my parent's divorce.
I disappointed my computer.
I disappointed my high heels shoes.
I disappointed my body.
I disappointed my “ideal” weight.
I disappointed my heart.
I disappointed my stomach.
I disappointed my teeth.
I disappointed my sense of responsibility.
I disappointed my father’s statues.
I disappointed my bottle of pills.
I disappointed my acne cream.
I disappointed numerous abusive pigs.
I disappointed the conditional love.
I disappointed the conformists.
I disappointed my dentist.
I disappointed God Almighty.
I disappointed Australia.
I disappointed Israel.
I disappointed America.
I disappointed Indonesia.
I disappointed my President.

I pleased myself.

I pleased my two turtles.

I pleased my snake.

I pleased my cat.

I pleased my sense of integrity.

I pleased the retarded boy who ran across the street with an overstuffed backpack that was continually kicked off of his shoulders by bullies, when I spent an hour talking to him as a friend.

I pleased the lady that was going to kill herself, when I stayed up with her all night, and reminded her why she was important, even if it did take until 8 AM to convince her that she was worthwhile.

I pleased the person who kept talking to himself at the restaurant when I told the snobby waitress to treat him as a human being, not a funny object to snicker at, with her fellow desperate buddies.

I pleased the 127 kg guy that seemed to be in bakery shop 24 hours a day when I said his artwork was beautiful, and he had a lot of potential. He said that, of all the nights he was there, I was the first person to talk to him, that hadn't actually waited on him.

I pleased the woman in the “insane”-ward when I told her she was a hero to me, for standing her ground, and maintaining a sense of humor throughout all of the tragedy.

The rest of y’all can fuck off.

You’re judgmental sick things, and I feel nothing for you.

I'll be pleased when you're dead.

All Is Vanity

2005-05-11T09:35:00.000+07:00

And when we touch the future dies
I see the face of my demise
I'm all alone without a friend
I see my fate; my bitter end

Thought I was the bigger girl
But all I've done is a grain of sand
Thought I gave the best of me
But all it was was vanity

All is vanity
All is vanity

Love Fools

2005-05-09T09:33:00.000+07:00

So many times fall in love?
How many times you fall in love?

If the answer is more than once, you just strengthen my silly postulate about love:

LOVE IS A CIGARRETE

You’ll never get enough of love.
There’s always a time when you think you had enough of love, enough pain…just ENOUGH!
But then…you just miss soooo…many things about falling in love: you miss how your heart is beating faster, you miss the butterflies thing that’s going on in your stomach every time you near the one you love, you miss to miss, you miss to touch, you miss the kiss…in short, you miss to fall again.

That’s the first one, and the second one is:
YOU CAN’T BE IN LOVE AND SMART AT THE SAME TIME.

Well, fall in love and love themselves are like the genre of Jim Carey’ movies: nonsense comedy, illogical comedy. Because when we fall so deep in love with somebody, we start to do things that are nonsense, become fragile but also strong, at a same time.
Fragile because we are controlled by the powerless manner to fight our own feeling, but also strong because somehow; with its own magical things, we are able to pass the difficulties caused by it, and do things that are logically incorrect.

Need some examples? Easy, we only have to remember the stupid and crazy things we ever did because of love.

Ok, perhaps a short reminder:
Being cheated over and over but still forgive the defendant because you think, maybe, this time he’ll change, humble our ego and dignity to ask our ex to come back, refuse ‘better offer’ just because I’m still in love with “less-qualified-guy-who-obviously-doesn’t-love-me”….are some stupid cases in my love life history.
How about yours?

Anyway, life goes on, time goes by…
This month is a point of enlightenment to contemplate, evaluate and finally making resolutions with the hope of a better life in the future, in any circumstances.

Does Love become one of this year’s resolutions?

“Ofcourse, you silly! This year our friends are getting married, race to the isle becomes more horrible, so this year my target is to find the candidate of the father for my children later!” this is my pal’s answer (kinda hate to admit that this is my answer)

“No way jose! Tired of making out resolutions, none were working out, just made some new stressful days if I couldn’t reach it. Better let it flow!” this is the answer of my other pal (which perhaps the answer is also a denial from myself hahaha…)

Anyway, after debating with myself I decided to become a naïve optimistic person by making my own love resolution. I realize that my love life department failed because I can’t change my train of thought about love. I do also believe that nothing last forever, even failures. Who knows that this year God really really cares for me, and luck is in my love life side and you too?

But, what is exactly our supreme goal that we look for from this love resolution?
Perfect someone who would give his ring and his ‘till-death-do-us-part-vows” only to us? No one but us?
Will it stop when we reach the race to the isle? And finally…Alhamdulillah, our janur kuning is waving??

Rhetoric question, actually.
Because, for sure, we all know that falling in love, loving and being loved are also learning process until we die. We will always be surprised by new experiences that are connected simultaneously when we love and be loved, with the same or different person, or even with ourselves.

Back to the pro-contra of making this year’s love resolution, which one do you pick? The pro or the contra?
My friend once said: when we dare to live another hope again with making some resolutions, it means we are READY to fail (again).

So are you ready to fail?
Are you ready to become that stupid person who fall in love (again)? Become someone who experience another episode of nonsense comedy again, because of love?
Keep loving or die trying???

My Short Skirt

2005-05-01T11:29:00.000+07:00

My short skirt
Is not an invitation?
A provocation
An indication
That I want it
Or give it
Or that I hook.

My short skirt
Is not begging for it
It does not want you
To rip it off me
Or pull it down.

My short skirt
Is not a legal reason
For raping me
Although it has been before
It will not hold up
In the new court.

My short skirt
Is about discovering
The power of my lower calves
About cool autumn air traveling
Up my inner thighs
About allowing everything I see
Or pass or feel to live inside.

My short skirt is not proof
That I am stupid
Or undecided
Or a malleable little girl.
My short skirt is happiness
I can feel myself on the ground
I am here. I am hot.

My short skirt is a liberation
Flag in the women's army
I declare these streets, any streets
My vagina's country.

My short skirt
Is a turquoise water
With swimming colored fish
A summer festival
In the starry dark
A bird calling
A train arriving in a foreign town
My short skirt is a wild spin
A full breath
A tango dip
My short skirt is
Initiation
A ppreciation
Excitation.

But mainly my short skirt
And everything under it
Is Mine.
Mine.
Mine.